Back in 1997, Disney made a live-action version of Mr. Magoo, a cartoon they actually didn’t even own. I had it on my Disney+ watchlist for over five years, and I finally got around to giving it a chance. I watched it out of simple curiosity and mild respect for the comedy legacy of Leslie Nielsen, but this is a trainwreck. I’m surprised Disney didn’t try to snuff this film out like they did with Song of the South, though for a much different reason.

Leslie Nielsen obviously plays the title character Mr. Magoo, though he looks almost nothing like the cartoon original except for being old and gray-haired. But the big gag with the character has always been his inability to see because he refuses to wear glasses. Were contacts in 1997 really that hard for the old geezer? I doubt it.

But the film’s story revolves around some jewel from a different country that went on display, got stolen, and accidentally ended up in the possession of Mr. Magoo, who has no idea it even exists. Once people figure out he has it, they try to do evil stuff to him and steal it.

Mostly a beautiful woman named Luanne “The Black Widow” LeSeur, who wants the money from the jewel for herself. And I don’t have much sympathy for Mr. Magoo as he goes goo-goo for a woman with a 33-year age gap. That’s just creepy and pathetic.

It also has Jennifer Garner as Stacey Sampanhordirta in a role that seemed way too ethnic for the heritage that Garner obviously has. Good thing for her that this horrible film didn’t tank her career before it really began.

Mr. Magoo was a complete mistake of a movie. The Mr. Magoo cartoon was old and stale even in 1997, and none of its charm translates well to the silver screen. It’s cheesy, stupid, cringey, and not funny at all. And it was made about twenty years too early to be properly memed, which would’ve been the only thing this movie could have accidentally produced that might have made someone laugh. I’ll watch movies just to see them, but this one gave me the rare urge to hit “stop” forever. Which is something I almost never do, but I really wanted to.